Dwarven NUKE artists v1.0
Created by nick Snow
Yeah, I was playing Myth II one day when a friend of mine, Anthony, said, "Hey! We're out of bagelz! Whoa, what if these bagelz were packed with plutonium?" That sparked a little train of thought that led to the creation of these dwarves. So then I said, "Screw the bagelz, we're on to something here! We gotta make a Myth II plugin about extremely devastating nuclear explosions!" So Anthony sayz, "Yeah, but make sure you put in those ripples and shockwaves and all that cool crap." And so you have it... the Dwarven NUKE Artists!
The Dwarven NUKE artists came into existence after the engineers that help the Soulblighter think of crap decided to make explosive deer. One of our dwarves was doing an experiment on dwarf-deer hybrids (Ya gotta remember, they didn't have all that good technology, so they had to do it
the old-fashioned way...), and the deer was hit just the wrong way, resulting in the death of the dwarf centered right on his nutz. That attempt was obviously a failure.
Yes, a great chain of events led to the creation of these nuke artists. One day, a little dwarf named Jari was skipping along the train tracks while humming on a tricycle for a sneaky trouser. "Blow that in your trumpet for a game of oranges, you damn yankee!" he exclaimed as the train whizzed right by. Luckily, he was able to jump away just in time to barely avoid a painful, crushing death under a train. But it should be noted that this was on a large ledge, and he fell off to meet a painful crushing death on some jagged rocks. Again, that is just a footnote on the development of the Dwarven NUKE artists.
A year and 22 days later, another dwarf was jumping around in a cow pasture when a flock of rabid sheep tore through and ate him. So much for Pathos, you piece O' crap! He and his inebriated friends used to spend their days exposing those sheep to various diseases, like anthrax, AIDS, gingivitis, gonorrhea, and shaken baby syndrome. Looks like that takes its toll in the end...
These were stories that I came up with in my little mind, and now maybe I'll tell you how they REALLY came to be. OK, a big bucket of cream cheese was sitting on top of a mountain of moss. But this was no ordinary moss. This was Spanish moss, and if you know anything about survival, you'd know that Spanish moss is not something you want to walk under. It is infested with ticks. (It's true, I know... this is a real threat, I hate ticks and would like to warn you all) Anywayz, so then along comes an arctic tern, lolloping along the yellow brick road and all that crap, until he finds a rod of what seems to be plutonium on the ground. Being the brainless bird he is, he eats it, and two weeks later he dies of radiation poisoning. The plutonium, of course, was digested. All that was left was a puddle of glowing digestive juice that evolved into a new lifeform, one that had the capability of mimicking anything it saw on a cereal box. A dwarf noticed this when he saw that the puddle looked just like Tony the Tiger, whom he had mistaken for and was digested alive soon afterwards. Scientists found this special ability and performed all types of tests, like testing its response to Kellogg's, Post, General Mills, and the store brands. There was no difference, it did it all. But, one day, a scientist with massive access to everything happened to perform some sort of major athletic feat and get himself on a Wheaties box. That was catastrophic, as it was found that it had the same things in its pockets and all that stuff. So the puddle was able to break out of the laboratory and get over to the building next door, Bob's Leprosy Ward/ Brothel and... well... make the skin a little bit worse. Or a little closer to being nonexistant. That was not a pretty sight, let me just tell you that, young bucky... Anyway, the broccoli that I had not talked about yet was still in its little base tipping over fingernails and screaming about storms in the cup. "A house is a house... a room is a room... a home ain't a home... without lots o' SHROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMS!!!!!!!!!!!" was their motto for about 3 hours, then they were conquered conceitedly by a man named Lawrence Huffer and the E Street Band. That explains the abrasion on your palm entirely! That is why the biscuit has such a rickety walrus! Dangling like a bottlenosed dolphin, I always say! In your eye! So put that in your parsnip, you aching whale! Damn stones, the barnacles can't stop the invasion with rice paper alone! Whoops... got a little carried away there... Anyway, into the dimensional rift the creature slipped, and that was the end of our little monster.
The experts on plutonium noticed that if we could somehow make a cereal box that had a special structure that could program the brain of the creatures, that could be to our advantage. So they went to work, designing a special cereal box that could do just that. Two hours later, they finished it. A box of Wheaties was found with lotls of holes in the bottom. They made some arctic terns eat plutonium, and it made more of those creatures, but this time defective ones. They tried to mimic the scientist on the box, but instead they just kinda looked exactly like neon dwarves. And so you have it, the Dwarven NUKE artists!
To use this unit, exchange your local folder for the one included, twirl around three times, and yell, "I AM NOT A GODDAMN FLYING SQUIRREL, YOU BEATNARC!" then put this unit in a level with loathing.
If you have any questions, comments, or requests email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
If you have any questions or comments on the "storyline" or any other part of this readme, contact Anthony Ussery at email@example.com
Copyright ©2000 by Nick Snow. Created by Bungie's Fear and Loathing, bagelz provided to Nick and Anthony by Nick's Mom, incredibly messed-up readme by Anthony Ussery, Fat... 60 kg Sodium... 20 mg Riboflavin... 100%
Ingredients: Methamphetamine, Bagelz (partially hydrogenated soybean oil, Weasel hair, GHB), Glucose, Chlorine, Shrooooooooooooooooooooooms, Ritalin, Alcohol-drenched rags, Unbleached wheat flour, water, dehydrated garlic, carbonated monkey rapists (Carbonated Water, Long amounts of no attention, Sight of monkey alone in field, thoughts that monkey can be outrun), A chunk of my sister (100% pure boiled pig fat), Big vatz O'cream cheese (Hmm... wonder what that's made of...), Steel pipes, Ochu #*(%ers, a slice of the San Diego Mofo.