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Voracious Rabbits - Humor Contest


Author name : collected by voracious rabbits
This document was originally published at http://www.vrabbits.com

Here are all of the entries in no particular order. Some of these entries will take up permanent residence here in the VR Humor Section! Thanks for all of your submissions, and we hope you'll have as much fun reading these as we did!

  1. tramii A T usa.net:

  2. vendetta@engin.umich.edu:
    Myth 2: Pimps, Ho's and Bankrolls
    Balor is dead and the world is safe once more. For hundreds of years, this was so--and it was good. Until, one day, the Dark rose again. This time, lead by The Man, it seeks to destroy the FUNK and so render the world unFUNKable by any and all. The Light must now fight to keep everything on the One so all may FUNK and pimp happily ever after.
    The Light - Those who FUNK
    Villagers - Ho's.
    Every town and village is filled with the phatest, flyest skimmies and the smoothest ass around.
    Warriors - Pimps.
    Pimps are armed with ho whips instead of swords. Pimps cannot move fast because they be too busy groovin' as they stroke up and down the street.
    The special action key for pimps should allow them to call all nearby ho's.
    When hit, they belt out: "Watch the threads..........sheeit!"
    Archers - Starchild (Armed with Bop Gun)
    Straight from the Mother Ship and armed with the Bop Gun for long range attack. All those hit quickly lapse into a few moments of The Robot before dying.
    Beserkers - Cleopatra Jones
    A woman this foxxxy could only be Celopatra Jones. Armed only with bear hands, her Kung-Fu moves are lighting quick and deadly. A big 'ole can of whupass awaits all those who fake the FUNK.
    Dwarves - Shaft
    Shaft...........Damn Straight.
    Alric - Dr. Funkenstein
    Armed with the Flashlight. When shown upon any who fake the FUNK, they instantly dissolve.
    Journey Men - Prince
    Need I say more?
    Forrest Giants - Barry White
    He's the smoothest mutha FUNKer around. Special ability key allows him to cause earth quakes with his booming voice.
    Calvary - Starsky and Hutch
    Crusin' da streets in their fly ride, they lean out the window to pop a cap in any and all unFUNKy azz. Special ability key drops off Huggy Bear, for some one-on-one pimpin' action.
    The Dark - Those who cannot FUNK
    Thrall - Barry Manilow
    Being soo unFUNKY, he limbers and jerks about as if a reanimated corpse. His special ability is taunting by singing one of his many soul draining songs.
    Fetch - John Tesh
    The Man had to travel to another planet to find someone this incapable of FUNKing.
    Trow - Big Boy
    With hair and an outfit like that, is there any doubt he isn't working for The Man? Uses his big 'ole burger to swat opponents into liking Mayo and Wonder Bread.
    Baylor - The Man
    Yes, The Man himself. His special ability turns all those struck into Pat Boone.
    Shades - Mitch Miller
    >From the depths of hell comes the Prince of Darkness himself. His musical Bouncing Ball enables his special ability.
    Myrmidons - Richard Simmons
    You better run for your life when you see this coming your way. Armed with special Deal a Meal cards that paper cut opponents into shreads. If that doesn't work, he is also equiped with Sweatin' to the Oldies Part 25, to finish even the strongest soul off.
    Soulbligher - Sir Nose Devoidofunk
    Hates the FUNK with every ounce of his body. Refuses to ever dance on the ONE. Uses his large nose (grew soo large becase he faked the FUNK soo often) to cut enemies to ribbons.

  3. djetmore@infocom.com:
    Berserkers and guns
    Many years have past since Balor was decapitated and his head was tossed into the Great Barrier and I have noticed that these little shops are popping around out of nowhere and are possesing guns (Some sort of weapon). And I decided to steal one and try it out. Later on I possesed the gun. I decided to try it out on one of my fellow berserkers. I got my brother to do it. He did not know what it was, so I explained it to him. He seemed a little nervous after I explained it to him and asked me if I was sure that it would not blow his head off. I said I don't know, all I know is that you load it with something called bullets and pull the little piece of plastic that sticks out called a trigger. I did and a little hole appeared in his arm. "OW!!!!!!! I thought you said it would not hurt!!!!," said my brother. "Be quiet while I try to load again I think I messed up because I aimed wrong," said I. " I can't move my arm! I am bleeding to death!," said my frantic brother. "Hold on," Said I. "Ahhhh! My arm fell off!," said my one-armed brother. " Would you shuttup!," I said. " I can't breath! I am going to die," Said my worried now armless brother who now is turning blue that can breath because he can talk. " There I loaded it again... twice. "No-Stop-Please-Mercy-I-Am-Going-To-Die!!!!," said my brother that can talk as fast as lightning apparently. Bam. " The pain" Bam! " I am limbless" Bam! " I am headless" "What? How can you be headless?," I said. I loaded again while my brother lied on the floor dead. Bam " Hey, that does hurt" " Then why did you shoot me!," said my dead brother. " What? Your dea... Than I bled to death and that is why my whole family is interested in guns.

  4. crimedog@itis.com:
    Ahh ... now what exactly am I suppose to do for this contest? (that was the joke)

  5. anthrax@psu.edu:
    Myth Clothing and Souvenir Store!

    Trowzers: These special sculpted pants give you that stub-footed trow stomping look that strikes fear in even the bravest soldier. Comes with a beautiful hand-knitted Loin-cloth, any trow would be red-faced without. $679.99

    Myrmidon Body Wrappings: Have you ever wished that you could have that special "just out of the hospital" look? Or perhaps you have a few body parts that just won't stay attached? Well, here is your solution. You can have the same tattered body wrappings as worn by all mrymidon hordes for just the small price of $59.99 per roll.

    Ghol Leather Satchel: Need somewhere to stash that dwarf head while running about harassing archers? This fashionable leather satchel is perfect for the job. It is perfect for carrying rocks and dwarven satchels, and it's tough kevlar inside lining allows you to carry volatile puss pieces and axe blades. A brave person can even smother lit dwarven cocktails with it! This steal can be had for a mear $299.99! Purchase now and you can get a free miniature replica of the ghol stonehead idle!

    Zerk Kilt: Our marketing survey of 10 women (7 peasant women, 3 fetch) has found that 9 out of 10 prefer a man dressed in a zerk kilt over the heavily dressed warriors. Says one fetch, "I feel so bad blasting them, with their cute little kilts showing off their powerful legs..." With this movement freeing item you will also get a jar of Zerk body paint, color of your choice. This all for a pittance at $569.99.

    Wight Jinsu Self-Impalement Knife: Has this happened to you? You shamble up into a group of unsuspecting enemies, rejoicing that you can end your painful existence taking a whole horde of archers with you, then discover to your horror that your knife cannot pierce your bloated flesh? To avoid this potential embaressment you can purchase our razor sharp Jinsu Self-Impalement Knife! This knife could pierce even the toughest trow! This product is mail-order only. $249.99.

    Learn the Thrall Shuffle Video: Brought to you by the same people who brought us such great titles as "Boxing Lessons with the Fir'Bolg", "How to Taunt Right with Lamer the Ghol", and "Learn the Wight Shamble" is this 2 minute video on the how-tos of the new dance everyone is talking about, the Thrall Shuffle. $79.99.

    Secret Dwarven Cocktail Formula: After acquiring this formula we had planned to bust this whole secret open by selling the formula at a affordable price. But, after several drive-by cocktailings and bombings, we were wary to go ahead. After much thought, we decided to do it anyways, for the better of the people. But almost immedietly after announcing our intentions, our headquarters in Madrigal was broken into by an invisible tresspasser, and the formula was stolen. The dwarven artillery used in the robber's escape leads us to believe it was none other than Balin the Dwarven Pathfinder himself. We our pressing charges, but we believe that he will be acquitted for fear of massive rioting by the dwarves. So we felt we should write of the injustices done to us by this "hero" in this advertisment, so as to let all know, and beware.

    Also available: Tattered Wight Pants, Feathered Fir'Bolg Cap, and Fetch Skirts!

  6. jmitch@erskine.edu:
    Once upon a time, I played a lot of Myth.
    After logging off b.net after around 12 hours of straight Mything, I attempted to organize my scattered folders on my desktop into a "Long line" formation; I band-selected them all nicely, and pressed 2. To my dismay, the folders just sat there. This sad but true story brought to you by, Placid

  7. crimedog@itis.com:
    When's the reset?
    Lord Brian
    P.S. Haha ... can't you here it ... I'm laughing so loud!!!

  8. eportis@mork.uni.uiuc.edu:
    Doctor: "So, you're here because of a dog bite?"
    Patient: "Well, yes, that is if you change 'dog' to trow and 'bite' to brutal anal raping..."

  9. ghol@iname.com:

  10. torodasj@stuy.edu:

  11. nikolai@digital-marketplace.net:
    Hmm i just wanna let you know that this is kinda like a real play...not exactly funny but pretty funny too! hehe it is great to see a wight play the part of romeo! well here you go... it is the play 'Romeo & Juliet' (scuz's version)... the dialog has been edited and some of the lines are in the actual play... well enjoy!
    Note: this is a film for Myth. Hold down option and click the link to
    Romeo & Juliet

  12. crimedog@itis.com:
    Hank the great drunken dwarf
    born to be to look like commander Warf.
    Though not exactly like Oleg
    ... truly is out of his league.

  13. dishers@istar.ca:
    this good be pretty corny infact it is but
    knock knock
    whoes there?
    oleg who?

  14. gaspop@hem1.passagen.se:
    Two wight lookouts are bored and decided to have a little quiz'
    - What color was Indiana Jones horse?
    - Wight!!!

  15. arbworth@compusmart.ab.ca:
    Heres my entry, I find it funny HA! HA! HA! oh, you dont get it do you?

  16. pruettc@pacificu.edu:
    The Not So Popular Fallen Lords

  17. wolfefam@xyz.net:Q:What's the difference between a Wight,and a Dwarf with gas?
    A:The Wight give a warning before blowing up.

  18. pearse@sunset.net:
    Myth: The Fallen Persons

  19. gaspop@hem1.passagen.se:

  20. anthrax@psu.edu:

    Ladies Night outside the local bar

  21. gaspop@hem1.passagen.se:
    Why Ghols Are So Hard To Raise

  22. ghol@iname.com:

  23. d88-cbr@nada.kth.se:
    Bill vs Department of Justice

  24. d88-cbr@nada.kth.se:
    Good evening and welcome to another edition of "Famous faces", with us tonight we have Hank Dwarf, or as he prefers to be called "Hank, the angry drunken dwarf". Hank is perhaps most well known for his role, or rather roles in the film Myth, released late 1997. Hank doubles as Oleg, Balin and also plays "Dwarf number 4". Other notables include Mel Gibson as Truan and Glenn Close as Shiver.
    -As agreed beforehand I can only ask you a limited amount of questions. Should I ask how it was filming with Mr. Gibson or how Jason Jones was as producer or what..
    -Make up your mind.
    -Hank, I understand you made a lot of money by playing multiple roles.
    -Do you think you are a good rolemodel, "angry" and "drunken"?
    -Oh yeah.
    -But your drinking habits do leave something to be desired.
    -Not this again
    -What is your favourite drink.
    -Hey, this is prune juice.
    -You became famous recently when you made it to the top of "People's most beautiful people". There was a lot of voting for you.
    -Make way for the dwarf!
    -Now Howard Stern claimed the credit for this success by telling his listeners to vote for you.
    -And the man responsible at People bought that.
    -The barrier scenes were filmed in sunny Tunisia. I understand you had to walk a lot during shooting, while the crew languished in the shade. The director appearantly had you moving all the time in the hot sun. Was it tough?
    -Yes, sir. Move here, move there.
    -I heard you are not overly fond of lawyers, Hank. In fact you were heard refering to them as heartless or something when waiting for the company lawyers to arrive...
    -We dont have long till the soulless get here.
    -That's what I heard
    -Is it true that you cant talk about Bungie's next project, the "Microwave simulator project" or something..
    -Sorry about that.
    -I hear there will be all kind of new physics...
    -One last question, Hank.
    -What now?
    -I understand you have started filming the sequel. What is going to happen? Wont you tell us?
    -Please, where are you filming?...Tell us something...Please dont leave yet!...
    (Go to commercial)

  25. lophan@yahoo.com:
    The Great Feast

  26. rodgers@infomagic.com:
    The Drunken Dwarf

  27. rodgers@infomagic.com: (same address, different person... this one by Isam, art by Obijuan.
    My Trow

  28. rodgers@infomagic.com:
    (same address, different person...
    this one by Synistre.
    Top Ten Rejected Names for Berzerks
    Tyrvard Whose Feet Stink of Fungus
    9. Eirik Masseur to the Stars
    8. Glaynir Who Likes to Have a Good Cry Sometimes
    7. Thewyn Styler and Setter of Hair
    6. Hervard Whose Breath is Minty-Fresh
    5. Baugi Who Waxes His Bikini Line
    4. Jarlnir Eradicator of Pubic Lice
    3. Tyrolf Funeral Flower Arranger
    2. Hjonfing of the Unpronouncable Name
    1. Ingvar Who Made a Killing With Stock Options

  29. zlong@students.uiuc.edu:
    Trow in nothing but underwear XXX young trow XXX get your trow fix here!!! XXX

  30. d88-cbr@nada.kth.se:
    Top Ten Stupid Units in Myth
  31. csayre@home.com:
    Top Ten Signs your computer is Too Slow for Myth

  32. csayre@home.com:
    Top Ten Ways to Make Your Teammate's Day

  33. csayre@home.com:
    Top Ten Signs that you're going to Lose the Game

[mything.org update: Functioning links to the Top 10 Lists mentioned in this article, plus a lot more.

Tip: If an 'originally published at' link is not active it's because the page is no longer available.